Thursday, August 14, 2014

Getting Emotional (Ways To Handle Some Of Your Negative Feelings while being in an LDR)

Ah the beauties of love. One moment you can be infatuated with a person, and then the next want to body slam them like you see wrestlers do on WWE. Of course not too much later you both settle your differences and kiss and make up!

But us long distance couples? We don't get that luxury. We don't get to hug our loved one after a big fight. We don't get to kiss them and apologize or chase after someone when they're ready to walk away. All we have is a phone or skype call that can go unanswered if our partner is upset enough, or just an emote of a stupid damn kissy face to send our love when they forgive us for being a jerk.

So yes, I get it. It sucks. I can not tell you how many times I have wanted to touch the face of my boyfriend through my computer screen, just to be reminded that I cannot do so. Not to mention that my computer is touch screen, so if I try touching his face, I could end up accidentally hanging up the call! lol Which doesn't help at all.

Luckily I have had the luxury of getting to close the distance for a short period of time. FINALLY making that big meetup. Seeing them at the airport, train or bus station. I'll never forget how shy I was when I saw Paul in the bus station. I was so excited but so nervous. Like part of me wanted to run up and hug him but I just couldn't do it. I was too scared too. lol But he came up to me and when he hugged me....GOD it felt so great. I learned that he was taller than me, how his hair felt in my hands, and the smell of his skin.
 (Which I found to be mighty glorious!)

I know many others haven't gotten to do this yet, and it can be very frustrating. Heck, I am frustrated now just thinking about it. I want more of my boyfriend. More time. More hugs, kisses, cuddling, laughs. I want it all. Which can leave you feeling all kinds of ways depending on what is going on between the two of you at the time. So I'm going to try to list some of those emotions, also explain why you may be feeling them, and break them down to the best of my ability to help you hopefully lift some of those negative feelings off of your shoulders.

1. Jealousy
It is very easy to feel this. Know that girl or guy that you swear always hangs around your love? Yeah, we usually all have one. And although we're glad that they have that best buddy of all time, admit it. You hate it for several reasons. One, it isn't you. Two, it's the opposite sex...and it should be you.
Three you bet your left butt cheek that they might have feelings for your boyfriend or girlfriend.

....But that's not always the case! A lot of the times it's just your imagination. (Will get to that one later) And you are envious of anyone and even any THING that is around them because it isn't you. They get to be in your partner's world while you're far away and out of arm's reach from them.

Getting upset won't get you anywhere. You know this. But recognizing that is why you are for the most time jealous does help when the feeling begins to swell. Don't get upset when your boyfriend is out and about with their friends. Trust me, they're thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about them.

Plus it isn't fair to make them feel bad for having a good time out with their family or friends. You don't want to try and control them. Even if they let you, it's very unhealthy and detrimental to the relationship. (My ex did this to me when I was being catfished for two years,  and to this day I have trouble leaving my home because I get anxious. Never felt that way before I had began to date him).
So please when I say take my words for it, I mean it for that. In it's own way it's a form of abuse and it's highly manipulative.

2. Worrying about being OVER-Affectionate

Okay so I'm guilty of this. Get so lonely while they are sleeping or at work that you start to go through their old facebook posts? Liking every photo of them? Posting multiple loving and funny things on their wall in one day? Yeah... We've all most likely been there once in our lives. Most of the times our boyfriends (or girlfriends) don't really care and enjoy the fact that they can see you've been missing them as much as they've been missing you! Thing is....Notifications are usually a pain in the arse. lol

But to be more precise, have you ever felt like you're doing more of the phone calls and messaging? Do you think you're overdoing it? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. When we get that amazing person in our lives, we're often afraid of losing them. Losing their interest to be more exact.

I can not tell you how many times I have to be reassured by my boyfriend that I'm not blowing up his phone. lol But if you worry about this, just talk to your partner. Communication as you already know is a seriously big factor on keeping a long distance relationship healthy!

3. Aggression (Being Territorial)

...SOOO you know how we talked about friends that you may suspect have feelings for your partner?
I'm talking about those particular..FELINES, that just LOVE leaving those stupid winky face emotes on your boyfriend's photos. Or leave hearts on their walls.

  • So there can be a few ways where this feeling of defending your dinner plate (in my case) can be justified, but also where it can be wrong as well. I'll start with how it can be wrong first. Because I'm sure you guys will just love that! Especially if you're guilty of it!
  • It could be their relatives!!
    Most of us all have that one favorite cousin on facebook that we feel should have been conjoined to you at birth. So sometimes the younger cousins like to remind their older one (your partner) how much they love and miss them! Not a big deal! So it is wise NOT to flip before finding out more about the person who's posting all these affectionate emotes on their page.
  • Their friends could be playing around with themI am always threatening to fight my boyfriend's best friends. They're guys and claim that they are in a relationship. lol But I mean guy or girls, it might just be the kind of relationship they have with that friend! I have one homegirl that I jokingly call my baby daddy. When my boyfriend first heard this, he was like, "What the!?" So yes. Don't freak out immediately. If all fails. Ask. It doesn't hurt to talk to your partner about anything that has you feeling a bit uncomfortable.
    Again, it could be their relative....but sometimes it isn't. Your partner is a big boy or a big girl! Let them handle it! Most will! If they don't, don't take that badly either! SOMETIMES it's because they are trying to keep the peace on their page. Like I know I hate seeing my friends on my facebook with opposing views bump heads on any of my posts. I've had to play referee several times in the past and it's quite stressful and exhausting.
    Plus you want to be classy and not trashy. There is no need to fly off the handle and threaten to throw down on an individual through your computer. More than likely you don't live in the same state as them. So how the heck are you going to even do all of the things you are threatening huh? Don't waste your fingerpower.
Now there are times when those people KNOW that you're in a relationship, and are completely disrespectful regarding it. Whether they're inboxing your partner and your partner tells you, or they're talking about you and saying that they can do much better. I will most definitely agree with you that these are times where you have the right to go off. Yeah it's better to not say anything at all at times or not lose your cool, but we're only human and our patience can only stretch so far. So to give you a few better examples:

  • When they are leaving sexual comments on their posts
    I just experienced this with a female on my boyfriend's page. And to defend my retort at her ignorance, my boyfriend later mentioned to this girl that she DID like ALL of his pictures and posts that had me and him together and clearly stated as a couple. The girl pretended that she didn't know. Yeah I called bull and told her to keep it classy instead of going off on her like I truly wanted to. 
    If they know you're in a relationship with that person and they're still doing this? It may be time to ask what that's all about and hopefully your partner will see what's up. Because if not? Oh yeah, it's time to crack down on that REAL fast.
  • Them calling your partner at late hours of the night
    There's this one girl that has the hots for my boyfriend, and I don't know what it is but she just won't take rejection for anything. I mean he's not even her friend on facebook anymore, nor does he even have this chick's number. Yet lo and behold she texted and called him while we were watching a movie at nearly one in the morning. I answered because he had asked me to since he was busy doing something...can't remember, and the phone number wasn't recognizable. She had an attitude and was all stank. I didn't even go off. I just hung up on her. But I know many others that would have flown off the handle. I don't have time to go off on people that late at night. (Plus the movie was good. LOL)
Unless you suspect your partner of cheating on you and they're incredibly flirtatious, it's truly pointless to even have any online drama with a stranger. Just take a deep breath and let it go. It makes you the bigger person, and far more mature.

You gotta WOO-SAH people! Don't be known as his crazy gf/old lady! (What my boyfriend calls me sometimes) You could potentially lose cool points with his friends and family. And although some people could care less if their family or friends like you, it is still quite important because it can have serious pressure and effects on your relationship if they dislike you.

My ex husband's family disliked me greatly. Very few actually did. So it felt quite lonely not really getting that sisterly bond with my sister in laws, and having that second mother that you're supposed to get when you're married.

My boyfriend's family and friends absolutely love me. Even his goddaughter. And it felt so relieving getting their approval.

Just today I got to finally talk to his mother regarding Paul. It made me feel nice to feel connected and that they took my part in his life serious enough to be contacted. It really made me feel like I was included in things.

 Plus I gained new friends and family out of all of this. It makes the relationship go more smoothly, and they will go out of their way to help you when you and your partner may not see eye to eye and have an argument. (Had that experience when I was down there one day) It truly makes a great and positive difference to have more of a support system. Plus your friends and their friends can help explain things about your partner that you have yet to understand.

So don't burn your bridges folks! Unless you don't have any other option but to!

4. Lonely (Depressed, sad, etc)

This is a very common one and it's very obvious as to why. You want to be with your boyfriend or girlfriend. You can't help it. But there are many reasons that you could be feeling the way you are.

From waiting for that time to go by without an exact date on when you'll either meet, or temporarily close the distance once more with your partner. It's bittersweet to know that you are not alone when you communicate with other long distance couples and that you share some of the same feelings. 

Feeling Lonely?
We all get that feeling sometimes. It's like our best friend just dumped us and someone behind you is carrying around  a stereo loudly blaring, "All by myself," by Eric Carmen or Alicia Keys' "No One." 
They may go out more than you, or it seems like they are always around their friends while you're just sitting at home with a DELICIOUS yet depressing little tub of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice cream...Plus snuggling up to your cat named Sprinkles as you find something to watch on Netflix doing your best to avoid anymore romance flicks or other movies that have some sort of love tied into the storyline. Because Lord KNOWS that's not what you want to see right now and it's only going to depress you further and want to sob uncontrollably like a big cry-baby.
Keeping yourself busy is the best recommendation.I have ten other ideas listed in my previous blog, so I will list a few others:
  • Pray
    Meditation and prayer if you have faith such as myself, can help be a serious reliever when being down. There are many perks to your everyday health doing these things. Supposedly your immunity can increase, you'll have more emotional balance, and it can help lower your blood pressure. I'm sure many of us could benefit from these sorts of things!
  • Seek A Therapist/Doctor For Help
    I have actually been diagnosed with depression and anxiety way before I met Paul. There have unfortunately been situations in my life that most likely contributed to this, but that's something to discuss at another time. Paul unfortunately has gone through some of the same pain in life as I have, and then some. So it came to no surprise to me that he is manic bipolar. Sometimes no matter what you do is enough to console how you may feel.
    Seeking help is VERY important if you think you're possibly depressed and feel alone in this world. Because you're not. You are loved by at LEAST one person. And I'll tell you now. I don't care who you are, I love you, and you're important. 
    Medication is useful to help cope with your feelings. As well as meditation and getting a therapist. So if you feel suicidal, please seek help immediately. Below are a few sources that can help you.
    Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
  • Get A Support System
    Tumblr has been one of the biggest perks when it comes to this. There are many long distance relationship blogs on Tumblr. There are long distance facebook pages as well as YouTube channels that show success stories and other sorts of advice! 
  • Makes Plans With Your Partner
    I cannot even tell you how much making plans with your partner can make your outlook on your relationship seem less depressing. When I was dating my ex husband, with him being a catfish he would constantly put back the idea of him and I ever meeting in person. It would get to me constantly until I finally flipped my wig. (Literally) After two whole years of waiting.
    Obviously when getting into a relationship with my now boyfriend, that waiting period just wasn't going to do it for me. Especially because I felt highly insecure at the idea of getting into another long distance relationship.
    Talk about the things that you guys want to do when you guys meet each other!
    Paul and I made a list of things we'd like to do when he came to visit me, and another for when I went to go visit him. It was actually quite fun getting to check those things off.
    (Especially some of the ones we did at the beach *evil laughter*) But ANYWHO! LOL *cough!*
  • Find Music To Listen To
    Preferably not depressing music, but whatever helps you feel better is all that matters. I'
    m always looking for ways to keep me level-headed when I am feeling down. Strangely, depressing music usually makes me happy and uplifting music makes me depressed. But either way, listen to music that'll help vent out your frustrations, sad nor anger. Which leads me to my next feeling.

5. AngerThis can be a very common one as well. I will confess that while writing the column for being lonely the other day, I got angry with my boyfriend. Hey, just being honest and real here. Not trying to portray myself as some perfect relationship guru, because I am not. 
So I figured I'd give my experience for an example. There are times where you and your partner may both be very busy. Being distant from each other does not help with you two having time together, nor does it boost your feelings when you think about it.

Or how about the fact that you're incredibly overwhelmed with your own life problems? For example, he and I are trying to close the distance between us in a matter of months. Unfortunately, we just discovered that a legal situation for him will prevent him from moving to Missouri or my children and I moving there until next year. It's been a huge weight on the both of us and we are both hurt. We both have finances that we're struggling with, there's family drama on both of our ends for various reasons, and friends have been lost for both of us as well lately. It's been a rough past three weeks which is why it's taken me so long to write this dang column and why it's been late!

Not to mention that I live in Saint Louis, Missouri. The place of all of these chaotic riots between protestors and police officers and now National Guard. Everyone is on edge and everyone has opposing views on what is right and wrong ever since the unfortunate and unjustifiable death of Michael Brown.

Michael Brown was a child that was shot down too many times to count and had his body left out on the street for several unnecessary hours.

 Some feel it was most definitely police brutality because he surrendered and was still shot down by an officer. Others think that it was racially motivated and other ignorant things that I refuse to even mention because repeating them I feel would only undermine my intelligence and humanity.

There's been lootings, rioting, and even buildings being burned down.
This place has gone mad and I've been staying behind closed doors with my children and praying for the officers AND the protesters. I want no one hurt and I want justice to be served for that child's family.

I won't put my personal opinion in on that. Perhaps another post but not this one, except for this:

Violence and hostility are not the answer. ESPECIALLY stealing and vandalism.

Videos of his lifeless body have been passed around all over facebook and twitter, and innocent people amongst the protestors or the businesses that were looted were attacked and harmed. It's just been a terrible situation down here.

So please I ask, pray for my hometown and city. Please pray for his family and friends. Things are escalating quite badly here and seeing us on the national news is beginning to make me feel like we're in another country's warzone instead of America...

I mean it's nice to see your city on the news for good things. Such as Michael Sam, the first openly gay NFL draftee. He became a big thing! Or someone I knew of from high school actually got DRAFTED into a team this year! Good things! It hurts to see things like this on my news feed...But to see another life taken, and others so angry..It is saddening.

A little before and during this huge moment in history, he and I have probably hit our biggest brick wall and amount of fights than we've ever had in our entire relationship. Which hasn't been comforting to us at all. We've been worried about the other, but also snappy because we're usually who the other vents to. And since we usually balance each other out on just about everything, when we can't cheer the other up, it's very unsettling.

So it was hard for me to write this section for quite some time until he and I got everything out on the table and FINALLY stopped stressing even if it's just for a moment.

So the suggestions that I am giving you, I have just recently had to exercise myself and use.
  • When They Don't Follow Through On A Promise Or PlanPaul and I have been trying to make time for each other left and right, but it's become very hard to fit our time with each other lately. You can only keep yourself busy for so long before you begin to feel anxious and start to break. Thing is, point blank...Sh*t happens.
    There are going to be times where that scheduled skype date is going to be ruined because a loved one passes away. A last minute job interview comes into chance. A car breaks down, a night out with friends is available. Things happen and they are beyond yours and their control. Voicing your disappointment and concern about having time together is one thing, but to get angry like I had about a week ago will do nothing but cause you both more problems. 
  • Not Seeing Eye-To-EyeObviously this is a very common one. You need to respect each other. Snapping at each other is bound to happen between the two of you every now and again. I have an issue with cutting everyone off when debating with someone at times. Surprisingly, the person I do it least to but still do it to is Paul. He gets very irritated when I do so and just like everyone else, feels that I don't care what he has to say. Don't repeat my mistakes. I think my anxiety still plays a great part in my lack of patience, but it's still inexcusable and I  have to exercise my listening skills more. But don't hang up on them, call them out of their names or anything along those lines. Do unto others as you want done unto you. Over the past few months, my listening and interruption when another person speaks has improved drastically. So don't be so quick to flip, and listen to what they have to say before flying off the handle with your partner. 
  • You're Stressed
    You don't have them to vent to at the moment. You are just overwhelmed and have no one else to take it out on. Sometimes the hostility you are feeling towards your partner is undeserved if this is the case.
In the end it's all about communication. Try to keep your emotions in check and think within reason. Being angry doesn't always resolve anything. Try to stay calm and reserved. Don't lash out at your partner, it hurts!

6. Insecure/Paranoid

We all get to that point in our relationship, where we wonder if we can TRULY trust our partner.

When you get that uncertain feeling in the pit of your stomach on if they are actually being loyal or not.
Thinking that they could lose interest in you, or are cheating on you. Flirting with someone else, Being hit on by their friend. Questioning if they're telling you the truth about where they are REALLY going because you of course would never truly know since you live MANY many miles away!

It's hard to really get over these fears.
My ex husband ironically told me years ago when he and I were dating,
Without trust, there cannot be love. And without love, there cannot be trust. 
Crazy as it is, it's the one thing that I've still kept and held on to since he and I have separated. I agree with it. Think about it. If you can't trust your partner, what use is it in being with them!? If they've given you their facebook password, their cell phone traffic and whatever crazy thing you've requested and you're still flipping out. Then maybe you just don't need to be in a relationship right now. I won't lie, my ex husband ended up cheating on me more than ANY person I've ever dated while he and I were long distance. But the reason it lasted as long as it had is because I had put my trust in the wrong person. He didn't deserve my trust.
I'm sure some of you have experienced that and most definitely don't want to be betrayed again.

 But that's the thing about love. You have to take a plunge and when you fall, have to wish for the best outcome. You can't do that if you're too busy standing over the cliff and constantly wondering what's at the bottom of it. Either do it or don't.

Now if people are running up to you and telling you things that make your partner's loyalty to you questionable? That's a whole different story that I'll address at another time. But then you have a right to feel that way. And if that is the case, it's time to have a good sitdown with them and see what's up.

Just recently an ex friend of my boyfriend's just tried to turn me against my own boyfriend by coming up with something just like what I mentioned. Something questionable about his loyalty just because she was angry with him. I didn't fly off of the handle whatsoever. I talked to him. And obviously as you see we are still together. Not everyone is on your side. And they will try to break a good thing if you let them. So always take into account what you may HEAR from others, but don't take it to heart or even seriously until you sit and talk with your partner.

Communication is key. Trust is key. It will be hard to give, but once you think they deserve it don't take it back unless they give you a very justifiable reason to do so. Cheating, lying, etc.

Well with that being said I am exhausted and I again apologize that it took me so long to post this article. It's been a very interesting past two weeks. I'll post another article soon and I hope I helped at least one person that reads this. Until again.


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